


this sitch just lost its sincerity stat

by suitablyskippy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, boys taking themselves seriously, jade standing for none of it, pesterfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-17
Packaged: 2017-11-14 11:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitablyskippy/pseuds/suitablyskippy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JADE: he might be a total douche lately but he is still my sort of brother!!!<br/>JADE: you take that back or im gonna pluck your ruff so hard you wont preen for a week you fuckass >:(</p><p>DAVESPRITE: oh my god why is it always the ruff with you animals</p><p>when you are a teenager and you are also a god, or a furry, or a video game construct, or two or all three, then shit can start to seem seriously serious</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. john vs. jade. vs. davesprite

DAVESPRITE: this is bullshit   
DAVESPRITE: everyone knows sprites have two birthdays  
DAVESPRITE: the day my coalesced slime first hit terra firma in the form of alabaster-lock’d god amongst men dave strider via sburb propelled meteorite   
DAVESPRITE: and the day my human form underwent an explosive rebirth worthy of ridley scotts alien itself in a hectic swirl of feathers and glory and chronological mindfuck to reemerge as you see me now  
DAVESPRITE: orange as turmeric and just as hot  
DAVESPRITE: are you telling me my ascension to a post-human plane of corporeality is less worthy of celebration than the day john stumbled backasswards into unintentionally shitting out the green gloop of his own existence into a jar  
DAVESPRITE: are you telling me youd prefer to forget the sacrifices ive made in your name   
DAVESPRITE: sacrifices that  
DAVESPRITE: might i remind you  
DAVESPRITE: i made in order you might live even now to forget them   
DAVESPRITE: o would that i could forget so easily

JOHN: jesus christ, we GET it already.  
JOHN: but no one at any point suggested ‘oh hey, how about we ditch dave sprite and worship john as the god he is for a day’!!! 

DAVESPRITE: not true  
DAVESPRITE: in a log not four hours ago you put that exact suggestion to jade word for fuckin word

JOHN: wow, creepy! 

DAVESPRITE: im made of computers your shit dont slip past me

JOHN: urgh look, i KNOW you became a bird for me.  
JOHN: you are basically my irritating floating jesus, i get that! 

JADE: (john he knows you know!!! hes only winding you up, omg) 

JOHN: (i fucking know he knows i know!!)   
JOHN: (im humoring him so he shuts the hell up already, jeez.)   
JOHN: (also jade, will you please QUIT TELEPORTING INTO PEOPLE’S PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS????? we are young men at a difficult stage of life and we require a certain amount of privacy.)   
JOHN: (mostly young men.)   
JOHN: (give or take a few lines of code.) 

JADE: (privacy is an abstract concept to a god of all space!!!! 8D) 

JOHN: (askfjdlklfds) 

DAVESPRITE: (is there a reason yall have cracked out the brackets or does the stylistic flourish just appeal) 

JADE: (uhhh what??) 

DAVESPRITE: (huh more sprite meta-knowledge i guess)  
DAVESPRITE: (dont mind me) 

JOHN: ok jade, seeing as you are determined to keep poking your weirdly damp nose into people’s PERSONAL BUSINESS, how about you make the call! 

DAVESPRITE: (oh hey yeah now he brings it cold and dripping to the forefront of the conversation)   
DAVESPRITE: (ive been kinda wondering)   
DAVESPRITE: (whats up with that) 

JADE: (a wet nose is the sign of a healthy dog!!) 

DAVESPRITE: (sweet) 

JOHN: you tell me, jade, do we celebrate the spriteday of the orange guy who thinks squirting apple juice out his gaping chest wound is hilarious, or do we celebrate the BIRTHDAY of your BROTHER, who is incidentally the reason you both even exist not to mention the boy you shared some really tender and heartwarming moments with as an ectofetus back in the good ol’ test tube days.   
JOHN: or test tube seconds, i guess.   
JOHN: it was a pretty speedy process.   
JOHN: yeah so anyway make up your mind already, jeez! 

JADE: well seeing as you asked SO NICELY john i guess i WILL do the deciding for you 

DAVESPRITE: oooh shit  
DAVESPRITE: pro tip bro since i know your sensors suck   
DAVESPRITE: that was sarcasm   
DAVESPRITE: this sitch just lost the sincerity stat

JOHN: argh i KNOW, you humongous dick. 

JADE: uh no need to get personal??? :/ 

DAVESPRITE: yeah john wow  
DAVESPRITE: you sure are one tactless speccy bucktoothed son of a beaver huh

JADE: uhhhh………

DAVESPRITE: what  
DAVESPRITE: oh hell no i meant

JADE: yes?? 

JOHN: hehehe. 

DAVESPRITE: it works on you harley john dont got the  
DAVESPRITE: fuck  
DAVESPRITE: grace

JADE: the grace

DAVESPRITE: yeah the grace  
DAVESPRITE: you got to have grace to pull off the 2xteeth and specs combo and you work that shit like its a nine to five  
DAVESPRITE: but johns the most dumbfuck deity the israelites never shat their pants to dream of  
DAVESPRITE: he carries it off about as well as an epileptic kleptomaniac

JADE: ok he might be a total douche lately but he is still my sort of brother!!!  
JADE: you take that back or im gonna pluck your ruff so hard you wont preen for a week you fuckass >:(

DAVESPRITE: oh my god why is it always the ruff with you animals 

JADE: DAVESPRITE!!!!!!! 

JOHN: hehehehehehe. 

DAVESPRITE: ok im   
DAVESPRITE: well im not sorry i stand by what i said as the literal objective truth but  
DAVESPRITE: (dont you fucking smirk at me like that you bag of dicks tied together in a loose approximation of human form)   
DAVESPRITE: (ill shit on the top of your head as i soar by i swear to god) 

JOHN: (wow, someone’s feeling pretty touchy! do you have an egg on the way, dave?) 

DAVESPRITE: (ill roost in your wardrobe and caw all night as i molt violently into the crotch of every single pair of pants you own)  
DAVESPRITE: (youll itch your own fucking dick off then see how you like it) 

JOHN: (she’s giving you a hard time on purpose too, haven’t you realized?) 

DAVESPRITE: (what)   
DAVESPRITE: (yeah totally)   
DAVESPRITE: (totally i mean) 

JOHN: (hahahaha.) 

DAVESPRITE: (whatever)   
DAVESPRITE: (like)   
DAVESPRITE: (it doesnt fucking matter either way shell ready my ruff for roasting whether shes kidding or not so) 

JOHN: (where’s my apology, jerkwad?)  
JOHN: (time waits for no sprite!) 

DAVESPRITE: (mmm yeah im not alpha oh god yeah it feels so good rub it in a little harder why dont you fuck yes thats it harder harder ive got no time powers im a computer game ohh fuck yeah just keep rubbing)   
DAVESPRITE: (im sorry john im so sorry)   
DAVESPRITE: (your glasses sparkle like a disco ball of the divine and your teeth chomp at air like uh)   
DAVESPRITE: (like a proud and vivacious handbag clasp cast from the finest ivories) 

JADE: that sounded like a promising if muffled apology!  
JADE: this time say it with your wing not over your mouth

DAVESPRITE: im sorry john your glasses sparkle like a disco ball of the divine and your teeth chomp at air like a proud and vivacious handbag clasp cast from the finest ivories  
DAVESPRITE: im sorry  
DAVESPRITE: im so sorry  
DAVESPRITE: will that do jade

JADE: hehehe yeah!!! :)  
JADE: anyway im going to pick celebrating johns birthday not your spriteday

JOHN: aw yeah. suck on that, barfbag! 

DAVESPRITE: what the hell harley

JADE: come on davesprite, you make us celebrate the fact that youre a sprite and youre here and youre orange like eeeeeevery siiiiiiingle daaaaaay :O  
JADE: lets have a nice day all about someone whos not you! 

DAVESPRITE: no thats it im through  
DAVESPRITE: first it was the ritual public shaming routines now this  
DAVESPRITE: i quit

JADE: omg do you mean the feather thing?? 

DAVESPRITE: when else have you reduced me to such a humiliated heap of objectified orange garbage i ask you  
DAVESPRITE: apart from like all those other equally devastating times   
DAVESPRITE: lets gloss over that for the sake of the totally hardhitting point im making here tho

JADE: there is nothing humiliating about using your old feathers as a cat toy!!  
JADE: jaspers has needs too and some of them are about chasing birds! that is how nature works, jeez……

JOHN: circle of life, dave.  
JOHN: circle of life. 

DAVESPRITE: no look what if i gathered up all the hair you shed when your summer coat comes through and used it to line a nest  
DAVESPRITE:youd be pissed dont even lie

JADE: uh no i would be fine with that  
JADE: that would be adorable actually! you should go for it :D

DAVESPRITE: you just dont get it do you   
DAVESPRITE: john what if i shaved off your pubes as you slept and knotted them together into an exfoliating shower mitt for jade  
DAVESPRITE: how would you feel

JOHN: oh my god. 

DAVESPRITE: see jade it is a base violation of my bodily autonomy  
DAVESPRITE: john gets it

JADE: bodily autonomy is an abstract concept to a god of all space ;)  
JADE: especially when you are the gods boyfriend!!! ;) ;) 

JOHN: oh my god. 

DAVESPRITE: yeah exactly  
DAVESPRITE: so in short im breaking up with you

JADE: uh what??? 

DAVESPRITE: have fun rinsing off your own novelty rubber dog bones after use  
DAVESPRITE: this birdies looping the loop the fuck out

JADE: i cant fucking believe this!!!!!!! are you jealous of JOHN??  
JADE: my BROTHER????? 

DAVESPRITE: no im just done with being used   
DAVESPRITE: im not your chewtoy and no matter how delightful the unnatural give of my pixellated flesh may be beneath your canine molars i never will be  
DAVESPRITE: i am partially a man and i will be treated as wholly a man goddammit

JADE: you are so dumb!!!   
JADE: ‘oh look at me im partially a man’ bluh bluh WHO CARES???? ok youre kind of a bird well NEWS FLASH davesprite, im kind of a dog!!!   
JADE: do you see me moping around about it, no you dont because i have better things to do than make a huge fuss about how sometimes i cant think about anything except licking peoples butts. 

JOHN: oh my god. 

DAVESPRITE: this is not about that  
DAVESPRITE: this is about my spriteday  
DAVESPRITE: he gets a birthday every single year and what do i get

JADE: you also get a birthday every single year!!!!!! 

DAVESPRITE: well yeah but i should get a spriteday too i mean what justification is there for denying me one  
DAVESPRITE: there isnt  
DAVESPRITE: you just want peep to suffer   
DAVESPRITE: goddammit i mean me you want ME to suffer 

JADE: grrrrrrr…………… >:|

JOHN: oh my god, will you please shut up!!!   
JOHN: this is like the third freaking time you’ve split up this week, holy crap!   
JOHN: can you guys please get your shit together in one organized pile and then BLAST IT INTO SPACE because i am so done with your drama.   
JOHN: living with you is like living in the middle of a shitty early nineties teen tv show. this battleship is exactly like beverly hills 90210, except with better clothes and more weird furry elements to the romance and technology that doesn’t suck total ass, because it is the future now.   
JOHN: it is not even like i can keenly dissect the twists and turns of each week’s episode and get emotionally invested through overanalysis, because there are no episodes, it is constant!!!   
JOHN: and also i am not discussing your ridiculous love lives with my nanna or rose’s cat.   
JOHN: this is stupid and you are stupid.   
JOHN: both of you. 

JADE: (omg) 

DAVESPRITE: (jade did you get from that what i got) 

JADE: (i think so……)

DAVESPRITE: (he watches beverly hills 90210) 

JADE: (hehe, he totally does!) 

JOHN: i totally DON’T.   
JOHN: also i can hear you?   
JOHN: i don’t need to have seen a tv show to know about its totemic pop culture importance, anyway. 

JADE: ((hmm……))  
JADE: ((theres a beverly hills boxset under his bed!)) 

DAVESPRITE: ((jesus fuck)) 

JOHN: i am just aware of its major thematic tropes, in the same way i am aware that twilight is a book about seductively glittery vampire angst, even though i have never read it.  
JOHN: wait, did you say something? 

DAVESPRITE: (((scour the house i need to know if hes got the goods on this one too))) 

JADE: (((juuuuust checking……)))  
JADE: (((ok well i cant find an actual physical copy! but there is a notebook in his room which says netflix on the cover, and inside there is a list of films))) 

DAVESPRITE: (((and)))  
DAVESPRITE: (((come on if gravity applied to us then the way youve left me hanging would be erotically asphyxiating by now))) 

JOHN: i can see your lips moving, you guys.  
JOHN: what are you saying?? 

DAVESPRITE: ((((gotta go deeper)))) 

JADE: ((((and the twilight saga is on the list!!! :p)))) 

JOHN: why are you laughing?  
JOHN: oh god, i’m going to regret that motivational speech so hard, aren’t i. 

DAVESPRITE: ((((that shit wasnt even released when we destroyed the world))))   
DAVESPRITE: ((((i know cos i was waiting for it like a kid at christmas))))  
DAVESPRITE: ((((assuming the kid grew up in a household where christmas didnt mean strifing my bro in a fake beard on the roof at 2am while a chorus of preprogrammed puppets sang hymns with lyrics subtly altered to obscenity in the tinniest digital abomination of harmonic unity youve ever had the fortune not to hear)))) 

JADE: ((((i guess john was waiting for the release too then))))  
JADE: ((((hehe he must have been so into it!)))) 

DAVESPRITE: ((((this is golden))))  
DAVESPRITE: ((((lets get back together jade im sorry i let my seductively orange sprite angst overwhelm the deadly beauty of our partnership)))) 

JADE: ((((lol))))   
JADE: ((((obviously no!))))   
JADE: ((((youve got some serious groveling time to catch up on, mister ;))))) 

JOHN: oh god oh god oh god. 

JADE: john take your hood off your face!!  
JADE: you are being silly. 

JOHN: promise me you’re not going to make out. 

JADE: wow no! we arent even dating  
JADE: didnt you just hear us break up?? 

JOHN: augh…

DAVESPRITE: hey john can i borrow your beverly hills boxset some time

JOHN: wait what the fuck?  
JOHN: how do you know about that??? 

DAVESPRITE: sprite knowledge

JOHN: bullshit.  
JOHN: jade told you. 

JADE: dont question the mysteries of sburb john! :O

DAVESPRITE: no let him jade  
DAVESPRITE: my legs are gone my dick is gone my ability to consume food is gone my ability to sleep naturally is gone  
DAVESPRITE: what is it to me if he denies the only thing i received in return   
DAVESPRITE: my sprite knowledge  
DAVESPRITE: its cool man whatever

JOHN: that’s it, i am going to my room.   
JOHN: you have pushed me to my limit. i am a broken man.   
JOHN: do not follow me.   
JOHN: i wish to be alone. 

JADE: lol :p  
JADE: you massive drama queen!

DAVESPRITE: soaks up attention with every pore spread wide open and begging for it

JOHN: oh look at this! what could it be?   
JOHN: could it be me rising above your petty jibes??   
JOHN: yes!!! yes it could!!!!!   
JOHN: resize me please, jade, i have a date with the classic cage flick ‘moonstruck’ and i would hate to keep it waiting!! 

JADE: (((uhh davesprite he seems kind of… insane))) 

DAVESPRITE: (((dont even worry about it you know what hes like)))   
DAVESPRITE: (((hell be back in an hour and a half shouting that jaspers sideeyed his slobbering lizard daughter wrong and we need to teach the guy some boundaries)))   
DAVESPRITE: (((despite the fact the guys a cat)))   
DAVESPRITE: (((and idk if youve ever tried pillow talk with a cat but the fuckers have no attention span to speak of when it comes down to the dirty))) 

JADE: (((really??))) 

DAVESPRITE: (((i wish i had conducted my life in such a way that to say i didnt know would be to lie but)))   
DAVESPRITE: (((yes)))   
DAVESPRITE: (((really))) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is the story of that feline pillow talk 
> 
> dont say i didnt warn you


	2. davesprite vs. jaspersprite

DAVESPRITE: we need to talk bro  
DAVESPRITE: need to hash us out a hardcore heart to heart  
DAVESPRITE: man to man  
DAVESPRITE: or i guess freaky as fuck zoologically themed hybrid of a computer program to freaky as fuck zoologically themed hybrid of a computer program  
DAVESPRITE: whatever

JASPERSPRITE: Ok dave! 

DAVESPRITE: its time to tattle on our tackle

JASPERSPRITE: Um im afraid i dont know what that means. 

DAVESPRITE: spill the beans on your bits

JASPERSPRITE: Purr. Please remember i am just a cat. 3: 

DAVESPRITE: admittedly im not hip to the ins and outs of cat cock but you must have had one right

JASPERSPRITE: Im not sure. What is cock? 

DAVESPRITE: wait rose raised you   
DAVESPRITE: ofc  
DAVESPRITE: jaspers do you know what happened to your thrusting manhood

JASPERSPRITE: Meow. 

DAVESPRITE: your proud member

JASPERSPRITE: Meow. 

DAVESPRITE: your triumphant rod

JASPERSPRITE: Meow. 

DAVESPRITE: oh god uh  
DAVESPRITE: wheres your wizened joystick at man

JASPERSPRITE: Oh gosh what on earth do you want to know about that?! 

DAVESPRITE: hahaha bingo  
DAVESPRITE: tell me when you get to feelin frisky how dyou fan the fire

JASPERSPRITE: Dave you use an awful lot of words i thought i understood till i heard you say them! 

DAVESPRITE: cmon bro i had the internet and now i am the internet you cant shock me  
DAVESPRITE: when your mind wanders to the wanton wiggle of a ladys whiskers howd you deal  
DAVESPRITE: when your thoughts grovel in the gutter for the girlish giggle of a graceful lady siamese howd you go about it

JASPERSPRITE: Gosh dave i wish i could help but i am just a cat and i do not understand meow.  
JASPERSPRITE: Would you like to pet my ears? They are very soft. 

DAVESPRITE: get over here

JASPERSPRITE: :3

DAVESPRITE: im about to explain sex to a cat in case it knows how to jerk it  
DAVESPRITE: thats cool im cool with that  
DAVESPRITE: yeah  
DAVESPRITE: jesus

JASPERSPRITE: Ooh yes thats a nice spot.  
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr. 

DAVESPRITE: ok jaspers do you remember when you had a lower half that wasnt made of gunk and pixels

JASPERSPRITE: Yes i do dave.  
JASPERSPRITE: That is when i was a cat! 

DAVESPRITE: damn fucking straight it was  
DAVESPRITE: ok now do you recall between those dear fuzzy hindlegs a small dangling appendage  
DAVESPRITE: or large who knows  
DAVESPRITE: who the fuck am i to talk i lost mine before my balls even got a chance to drop

JASPERSPRITE: Wow did you used to have a tail? Rose never had a tail though i loved her very much anyway.  
JASPERSPRITE: I do miss rose but i have other friends too now. Like you dave! 

DAVESPRITE: if i had legs youd have just charmed the pants right off them  
DAVESPRITE: lets try a new tack ok so you had a tail  
DAVESPRITE: move one space forwards wow theres an asshole  
DAVESPRITE: literally like this isnt a passive aggressive jab at rose much as shed love it  
DAVESPRITE: probably   
DAVESPRITE: who knows  
DAVESPRITE: two fuckin years man that’s a loarghhHHH  
DAVESPRITE: sweet baby JESUS dont bite my fucking RUFF   
DAVESPRITE: oh my GOD

JASPERSPRITE: Sorry dave its hard to stop myself sometimes.  
JASPERSPRITE: You taste delicious. :3

DAVESPRITE: wow thats a blast from the distant past  
DAVESPRITE: look man you had balls and a dick i cant make this much clearer i just want to know how you handle their absence  
DAVESPRITE: or dont handle is more like it  
DAVESPRITE: nothing fuckin down there to handle thats kinda the hitch here

JASPERSPRITE: Oh balls! Yes i remember those.  
JASPERSPRITE: I had them when i was a little kitten once i think. 

DAVESPRITE: once  
DAVESPRITE: what

JASPERSPRITE: Thats right i remember now i did not have them as a cat. 

DAVESPRITE: rose  
DAVESPRITE: she got  
DAVESPRITE: i knew she was scum of the earths most bursting reeking sewer system on a hot day in the city but fucking christ you dont just  
DAVESPRITE: you dont  
DAVESPRITE: a mans balls

JASPERSPRITE: Meow? 

DAVESPRITE: come here  
DAVESPRITE: let me hold you brother

JASPERSPRITE: Purr you are very warm and fluffy. 

DAVESPRITE: paws off the ruff

JASPERSPRITE: :3  
JASPERSPRITE: I love you dave. 

DAVESPRITE: i love you dave what

JASPERSPRITE: I love you davesprite no homo. 

DAVESPRITE: thats more like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i warned you bro


End file.
